That one dream that scares me so much I am afraid to share with anyone else

dark trees

A little over a year ago my friend asked me a question that has stuck with me to date, I think about it a lot as I process it, I try to  answer it and  harder to believe my own response. She asked what my big dream was, that one dream that scares me so much I am afraid to share with anyone else. Ironic, isn’t it? Why would I then share it with her if I was so scared to share it with anyone? “I am not anyone,” She would have responded. It is amazing when you have one or two friends who have transcended the ‘anyone’ zone and you both know it. Those who provide safe spaces that can’t be afforded by anyone.  Immediately she asked the question, I knew the answer, I knew the dream, because you see dreams like those do not allow you sleep. They wake you up at night, keep you up and follow you throughout the day. I had the answer, but as I was too scared to share it with her, it was too small in a big way, too simple I thought. It had nothing to do with the job or a house or good school. Actually I was more scared of admitting the dream to myself more that to anyone. So I said I hadn’t thought about it, I dint know what it was.

The other day another friend and I sat next to each other in this crowded coffee shop, because the table was too wide to sit across from each other. We talked about everything; from boots to books, God, red lipstick and work. That is the freedom safe space provides: No inhibition.
We then discussed the future, now whenever for a minute I discuss my future in total honesty that nagging big dream, the one that scares me so much I cannot dare share with anyone, let alone allow myself to admit that I have it, crosses my minds. Even if for a second before I shut it out; it shows up. Some days we have the courage to let it be but on others we shut it out, but we all have it whichever the case. As we talked I asked her, “what do you want?” After giving a prelude, she concluded that she didn’t quite know what it was she wanted. I knew she knew what it was, because I would have said the same thing if she had asked.

These dreams scare us, they seem too big or too small, too grand or too mundane; but they are authentically ours. They attract fear or rather they reside in caves clouded by fear, where only brave hearts can go. Fear cuts us out, I say this as a self-professed fear victim: it whispers stubborn lies that sound like truth.

So what’s my ‘that one dream’, the one that scares me so much I am afraid to share with anyone? I can’t say for now, but it has something to do with writing this post.

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