Let me fix you

I’ma try fix you and hopefully somehow i will fix myself too. Maybe I will find a savior on my way to Damascus, but the Christians you know, they never come this way. And when they do they are not looking for an encounter with someone like me, they really are headed to Damascus, fox in sheep’s clothing. That’s a better choice compared to a sheep in fox clothing, no one would ever chooses the fox except on a browser.

Lets go round in circles, there’s nothing wrong with confusion. If the confused can stand up straight never mind on the other side of truth. After all what matters most is who approves, the more the number the better, lets just stay politically correct. Even though there’s no room in the chronicles for  those who are not extra-ordinary.

damascus

So lets seat here and wonder as we act like we are okay, maybe one day pardon will find us and hopefully then, we wont be plugged in. Hopefully, we wont be busy tapping away on our touch screen devices, listening to words of other people’s meditations. Zoned out to our own thoughts and lacking sensitivity to warmth, the kind that makes a body shiver as it evicts chills.

Never knocking, never seeking, never finding anything that lasts longer than the next big thing. Never knowing, never wanting, never yearning blinded by the worldly. Never understanding, never caring other than for whats currently trending. The waves carrying us in any direction the current wishes, thirsty in the midst salty water, thirsty in the midst of plenty, convinced we have it all.

The embracing of empty cisterns, holes so small to be seen, but that doesn’t make them any less of holes. Perforated hearts that leak love, re-branding all that is false as gospel truth. We can fix each other or at least try to before we crash, we are headed toward the edge at full speed. We gained momentum when we changed direction thinking we were going uphill yet we were walking in reverse.

There’s hope, there always will be, it’s still not the end of time.

I can’t be nobody else

I cant be nobody else. First things first that statement is not grammatically correct, it has a double negative. For the sake of emphasize I will still use I cant be nobody else and you my dear cant be nobody else. You can try, but I promise you failure actually I wish you failure in trying to be someone else. You are too unique for imitation, too precious to waste your authenticity on being fake.The world needs the real you, you were not mass produced, so why give in to mass living?

I don’t wanna be nobody else, but most times I am bombarded with the idea of being like someone else. Hair like hers, clothes like her’s, husband like hers, job like hers, personality like hers. So I have to constantly be reminded that if I chase after hers I will miss out on whats mine.

The world needs us as we are, granted we need to continuously grow, but we need to remain ourselves while at it.  In the same way we expect mango trees to produce mangoes and not bananas, we also need to recognize that we each have a purpose that is so uniquely us that if we tried to be anything else we would miss out on it. If we expected a mango tree to produce bananas we would be disappointed because well, its a mango tree and it is supposed to produce mangoes. So why do we expect to produce results and live fulfilling lives as we chase after other people.

You can’t be nobody else, even if you tried 🙂 and that’s ok. Be you.

if you have called yourself a quitter

hey you, quitter, do not get offended by the name. Today I want us to do something, let us change our names from quitter to starter. You see, you can’t quit on anything you never started on. Every quitter was once a brave heart, that is another name option, because starting anything requires courage. So call yourself Courageous; the name options available are plenty.

We let the voices of doubt tell us things like, ” You are a quitter!”. These voices, point out to all the things we’ve quit on and  intentionally leaves out that we had enough courage to start  out these things in the first place and even greater courage to let go. Letting go is not easy, people run in circles chasing tails all their lives afraid of letting go; afraid of being labelled quitters.

Regret is a monster, lack of appreciation is its closest friend. So I want to change my perspective on quitting, you can join in if you want. i will appreciate the fact that I had enough courage to start and I will not regret that I quit on things that needed letting go off. When i quit unnecessarily, I will have the courage to start again because my new name is courageous bearing a brave heart. Let us not let past failures stop us from starting again.

Life is funny

Life is funny, funny haha sometimes but mostly funny interesting. It is funny in the way things work out, in the people we meet along the way and how randomly we meet them. In how one thing you do leads to another, then another then to the present. How decisions we make affect us years from the day we make them, how one turn on a street can lead to something unexpected and unplanned. I am not talking about the wrong turns, I am referring to right turns that don’t seem promising when you ignore the left. Those turns that lead to a happy place, putting a smile on your face and leave you to wondering how did I get here?

Because here is not where you thought you would be when she asked you for lip balm and she asked for some lip balm and that moment signified the start of a fruitful friendship. Here is not where you thought you would be when you got on that bus and sat next to him and started a conversation about weather because it’s always the easiest go to topic. Those subtle life changing moments sometimes can’t be traced but they are there. They can’t be missed when you look up and look back.They’re not always extra ordinary, but they can be uncomfortable. Because they require some stepping out of the usual routine, like taking a different route to work, talking to  a stranger or signing up for a marathon.


These moments are hardly experienced when you remain in your comfort zone.


They can’t be experienced if you fail to say hi to the person seated next to you on that bus or plane, join a new church, or go to that party that required you to buy that new dress which seemed like more of a hustle than an opportunity at that time. They are experienced when you do something different like finally getting out of the house to go for that run, then you trip and fall and when you look up and meet your future life long best friend (maybe I have gone all movie script there but you get it don’t you?).

Gasp for air.

There are so many things waiting for us out there, so many people to meet, places to see, foods to taste, music to listen to, if we make subtle changes in our day-to-day lives. When we step out of our comfort zones we get to realize that life is funny, in a sheepish smile to self kind of way.

THIS IS IT: take it or leave it

I was on phone with one of my bestest of friends the other day I talked to her about this blog, what I started it out wanting it to be and how far I thought I was from the plan. I was a bit frustrated with this, I wasn’t where I wanted to be faith wise yet the blogs tagline is “A young woman’s walk of faith through musings,poetry and testimonies.”The faith part seemed rusty really really rusty. I did not think I was living by faith but more of by sight. So I told her about how I wanted to take a break from blogging, give it a rest until I got this faith thing going straight. When I was done, I waited for a response, Honestly I just wanted her to agree with me, that is what friends are for right? No? OK. Saul Bellow says “when we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.” and in this case he wasn’t far from the truth.  

ninaspurplediary.wordpress.com

ninaspurplediary.wordpress.com

She did not tell me what I wanted to hear, instead she told me something like, ” If you are looking for something else, you wont find it, THIS IS IT!” That conversation ended somehow none profoundly. The magnitude of what she had told me did not sink in until an hour later. I was walking in town, high heeled, short dress feeling really good about myself, then it hit me, “THIS IS IT”. The walk of faith has it’s good and ugly and doubts and fears, moments of utter disbelief and those of mountain moving magnitude, ups and downs but its still a walk if you keep putting one foot in front of the other regardless of the pace. I am still walking, I believe in Jesus, I desire to be like him every day granted some days more than others but I am walking. When walking we  are bound to stumble, fall, get hurt, see beautiful things along the way, grow weary, tired.

THIS IS IT!!! This is my current walk and when I put down that tagline “A young woman’s walk of faith through musings,poetry and testimonies.” I thought it would be a continuous glorious walk of victory and prophesy, speaking in tongues even. But it hasn’t been, instead it has been one of a daily reliance of grace undeserved, mercy undeserved, favours undeserved and life undeserved.  And though this is my current IT, this is not the end. In order to use a map correctly you need to know your current location. So this IT right here is my current location, but I know where I want to go.

I will keep blogging, I will share the victories and the losses. It sucks to be vulnerable but someone has to be. 

Walk with me, will you?

Song for the post, please check out this song by needtobreathe they are my current artists on replay.

 

 

Choosing ashes over soil

I am going back to the moment we broke,

Revisiting the day it ended,

Looking at the scars,

Reliving the pain.

Maybe, I am a sucker for hurt,

heartbreak and sad songs are my muse.

I am going back to that spot,

 

To peek at what once existed

Fire blazing,

people wailing,

houses crushing,

No wonder lots wife turned to a pillar of salt.

Yet we keep going back,

to collect ashes

salvage what was destroyed

though we know that  the destruction was warranted.

What are ashes,

when you have soil?

What is the past,

when you can enjoy the present?

What is fiction,

when reality offers a better ending.

As good as Dead… but not quite

I talk of hope severally because hope is all there is to hold on to sometimes. Being a christian hope is all there is without it it is impossible to please God. So I hold on to it even when my faith  is challenged. I have been thinking a lot about faith, this christian thing- assurance of salvation etc. It is not automatic being a believer to be on your merry way to heaven.

Many times I have doubts, questions with no answers. Questions that are not pretty or easy to talk about, but the more I ask them the more obvious my questions seem, almost rhetoric. I have made up my mind, at the end I want to stand and say I have faced everything and I still believe, I have encountered much doubt but I still have hope. Otherwise what is faith if it is never challenged by unbelief? What is courage in the face of safety? What is love in the absence of hate and what is peace if your heart has never known battled with worry?

So here I am, a believer in Jesus who is not afraid of asking questions and not afraid to discover new truths while holding on to the truth that I first believed. The more I question the more some of the convictions I have held have been cast further in stone. Even though being in doubt is scary it has opened up avenues for me to talk about faith without bias, without a superiority complex. I have become a student of faith and a dependent of hope. After all without hope what else is left?  You will find me at the broken and contrite corner, silently whispering, “Lord, help my unbelief”.

Song for the day….