You’re Not a “Plan B” Kind of Girl

This is one of those blog posts you want every woman to read 🙂 and it feels like all the words in it have crossed my mind at one point or another.

ASHLIN HORNE

You deserve better than someone who is afraid to commit to you. It may seem like enough for now. You’re just taking things slow. Oh, how I know those little phrases of “one day” and we just need time.

You believe them.
And I’ve believed them.

But you’re not a “Plan B” kind of girl.

You need to know that you’re not the invisible one standing in the back who gets chosen last.

You’re the girl who the team captain will be frantically hoping doesn’t get picked by someone else before he gets a turn. You’re a first-pick kind of girl. And no one worth having sits back and lets those girls wait around.

‘Cause every good man knows that the good ones get gone fast.

He should be jumping out of his skin in anticipation to call out your name and say “I pick you.”

“But he’s…

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That one dream that scares me so much I am afraid to share with anyone else

dark trees

A little over a year ago my friend asked me a question that has stuck with me to date, I think about it a lot as I process it, I try to  answer it and  harder to believe my own response. She asked what my big dream was, that one dream that scares me so much I am afraid to share with anyone else. Ironic, isn’t it? Why would I then share it with her if I was so scared to share it with anyone? “I am not anyone,” She would have responded. It is amazing when you have one or two friends who have transcended the ‘anyone’ zone and you both know it. Those who provide safe spaces that can’t be afforded by anyone.  Immediately she asked the question, I knew the answer, I knew the dream, because you see dreams like those do not allow you sleep. They wake you up at night, keep you up and follow you throughout the day. I had the answer, but as I was too scared to share it with her, it was too small in a big way, too simple I thought. It had nothing to do with the job or a house or good school. Actually I was more scared of admitting the dream to myself more that to anyone. So I said I hadn’t thought about it, I dint know what it was.

The other day another friend and I sat next to each other in this crowded coffee shop, because the table was too wide to sit across from each other. We talked about everything; from boots to books, God, red lipstick and work. That is the freedom safe space provides: No inhibition.
We then discussed the future, now whenever for a minute I discuss my future in total honesty that nagging big dream, the one that scares me so much I cannot dare share with anyone, let alone allow myself to admit that I have it, crosses my minds. Even if for a second before I shut it out; it shows up. Some days we have the courage to let it be but on others we shut it out, but we all have it whichever the case. As we talked I asked her, “what do you want?” After giving a prelude, she concluded that she didn’t quite know what it was she wanted. I knew she knew what it was, because I would have said the same thing if she had asked.

These dreams scare us, they seem too big or too small, too grand or too mundane; but they are authentically ours. They attract fear or rather they reside in caves clouded by fear, where only brave hearts can go. Fear cuts us out, I say this as a self-professed fear victim: it whispers stubborn lies that sound like truth.

So what’s my ‘that one dream’, the one that scares me so much I am afraid to share with anyone? I can’t say for now, but it has something to do with writing this post.

That one dream that scares me so much I am afraid to share with anyone else

dark trees

A little over a year ago my friend asked me a question that has stuck with me to date, I think about it a lot as I process it, I try to  answer it and  harder to believe my own response. She asked what my big dream was, that one dream that scares me so much I am afraid to share with anyone else. Ironic, isn’t it? Why would I then share it with her if I was so scared to share it with anyone? “I am not anyone,” She would have responded. It is amazing when you have one or two friends who have transcended the ‘anyone’ zone and you both know it. Those who provide safe spaces that can’t be afforded by anyone.  Immediately she asked the question, I knew the answer, I knew the dream, because you see dreams like those do not allow you sleep. They wake you up at night, keep you up and follow you throughout the day. I had the answer, but as I was too scared to share it with her, it was too small in a big way, too simple I thought. It had nothing to do with the job or a house or good school. Actually I was more scared of admitting the dream to myself more that to anyone. So I said I hadn’t thought about it, I dint know what it was.

The other day another friend and I sat next to each other in this crowded coffee shop, because the table was too wide to sit across from each other. We talked about everything; from boots to books, God, red lipstick and work. That is the freedom safe space provides: No inhibition.
We then discussed the future, now whenever for a minute I discuss my future in total honesty that nagging big dream, the one that scares me so much I cannot dare share with anyone, let alone allow myself to admit that I have it, crosses my minds. Even if for a second before I shut it out; it shows up. Some days we have the courage to let it be but on others we shut it out, but we all have it whichever the case. As we talked I asked her, “what do you want?” After giving a prelude, she concluded that she didn’t quite know what it was she wanted. I knew she knew what it was, because I would have said the same thing if she had asked.

These dreams scare us, they seem too big or too small, too grand or too mundane; but they are authentically ours. They attract fear or rather they reside in caves clouded by fear, where only brave hearts can go. Fear cuts us out, I say this as a self-professed fear victim: it whispers stubborn lies that sound like truth.

So what’s my ‘that one dream’, the one that scares me so much I am afraid to share with anyone? I can’t say for now, but it has something to do with writing this post.

21 till I die, Maybe Not.

Sometime last year my friend and I were walking across town, having normal conversations women should have 90% guys 10% randomness. The conversation was going well I guess but the 90% guys was lacking as none of us was really dating or considering any potentials at that moment.That being the case my very intelligent friend decided to skew the conversation ratio to increase the random conversation bit. I wish she didn’t because it almost ended my life. Please note I exaggerate sometimes, I blame it entirely on the Nigerian movies I watched as a high school student in need of entertainment. Back to the story, this friend of mine with an IQ of, ‘we can’t only talk about guys Nina’, decided it was wise to bring up my oncoming birthday. Which is okay if she was going to ask about plans I had made etc etc, but no. That is not what she was up to.
“Nina”, she called out ” Do you know you will be like 2#, in like a month?!”  She smiled as if she had said the most amazing thing.

older
As I had mentioned earlier we were walking across town and at this particular point in time we were crossing a very busy street.
I stood still, right there in the middle of the road, my head spinning trying to let what she had just said sink in (slightly exaggerated, again blame my high school and those naija movies)
All  I could say in response to her gleeful statement was, “No way! You are lying to me”. I was convinced by now she was talking to another Nina. Because the Nina she was talking to was ageless, she was 21 with a few years experience. It took a few minutes of convincing and counting to realize that she was talking to me and by then I had crossed the road successfully.
You know when I was 21 I thought I would be 21 forever and even though we all know a year has 364 days this particular year seemed to have lasted 634 days. And 22 seemed so far far away. I cant really remember 22. After 21 I feel like each year  seems to now have 200 days, they go so fast!! No sooner have I gotten used to my new age than my next birthday arrives and I have to get used to a new age.

Youre-only-as-old-as-you-remember-you-are.
This year, I do it again people , next week actually. And I am seated here typing this out, counting years, talking to myself as I sigh, “No way”.
I do not mind growing older its just that I never get used to counting years, is that OK? Deep down I will always be 21.

Do you feel your age? Let me know in the comments.

One last thing, this post was written before i read this:

GROWING OLDER

FMF: HIDE

hide

When did I bury my little light in this self dug pit,

When did I exchange my coloured coat for one shaded grey,

Corners now feel safer,

somewhere in the fringes,

not quite wanting to be the center of attraction any  more or sit in the front row.

When did I start hiding?

Are you hiding?

It feels safe to, I know.

But you can only make out shadows in the dark.

Lets stop, I pledge to.

Therefore:

This little lamp of mine, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

This post is a part of Five Minute Friday, a writing flash mob that happens every week when writers are prompted by a single word to write for 5 minutes without any major editing here.

You are- I AM

Dear God,
Give us faith to believe that you are God,
That you alone are LORD- always,
Regardless of what we are going through,
in spite of the circumstances we are currently in,
You are God.
You are! You are! You are!
IMG_6442[1]
You were there from the beginning,
Indeed you are alpha and omega
You have no beginning and no end,
You say, ” I AM”
Yes Lord, you are
We do not have to fully understand,
No one can fathom your your depth,
Your height, nor your width
You are immeasurable- I AM

Through joy and pain-you are
In sickness, In sickness oh In sickness – YOU ARE
In health- you still equally are.
In the moments of hard, of suffering and loss-you are.
In moments of darkness and depression, you are.
In moments of uncertainty and doubt- you are.
Oh God, help our unbelief.

Even in these seemingly hard times- you are!
You see it all, you know it all.
Nothing escapes you,
you are here with us,
You are-I AM

You are not shaken,
You are not moved,
You do not change,
Our situations and circumstances do,
Not you,
You are constant-I AM

God uphold us, strengthen our faith,
May we not wander in uncertainty,
Or doubt, which are always forthcoming,
Even when the world around us crumbles, when we lose the ones we love, or things we have believed mean everything to us,
when all else seems to have no meaning when doubts are our constant companion and the sickness refuses to go away,
when our fellow Christians are persecuted and evil seems to reign, when things are not going as we planned and we are tempted to abandon our faith in you.
Constantly remind us that you are because you are- I AM

And you say to us
” Fear not for I am with You,
Do not be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
So we will be strong and courageous,
We will not be terrified, we will not be discouraged,
For you are The LORD our God, You will be with us wherever we go.

You God: was, Is and always will be- I AM

Five minute Friday: Break

After three busy months with school and a busy work schedule, i finally get to have a break. A break off the routine, the early mornings, the late nights, the constant unavailability and the busyness.

It means that I can now focus on things I had earlier taken a break from to free up my time, like blogging:)

I have prayed about this cycle, this cycle of imbalance, I wish that I could do it all at the same time. Balance out work, school, family, friends, writing, exercise and whatever hobby i pick up along the way all in day with a smile on my face.


But then if everything was in perfect balance, there would be no such thing as enjoying a break.


Its good to be back.

Today i am teaming up with a wonderful community of writers on  Five Minute Friday this week as we write about BREAK.

http://katemotaung.com/2015/03/26/five-minute-friday-break-and-a-new-fmf-video-intro/

FMF - Break 2